I walked up to a shoe shiner guy today with my brand new suit on. I sat in his chair but he gave me a look like he was constipated. I have nothing for you bro, he said. Was this racism? I thought. This was the first example of someone being racist to someone else for the simple crime of being born too chill. I told him, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade son. Theres a big tip in this job for you if you do a good job. He shined my entire foot up. I was wearing flip flops, and wanted to have a nice sleek look. Then I went to Dunkin Donuts and just sat down without buying anything. I just stared at anyone that came in until they left. --- An old man that I work with at the office came up to me and whispered in my ear. This is my last day here son. I quickly realized he was one of those "end of days" evangelists and this was the 21st day of a month. Stop preaching your psycho nonsense bro. I told him that. --- Have you ever been buried alive in an avalanche? The trick to getting out is to drink a whole lot of water beforehand. Beer works too. A whole lot. Then once you are covered in snow, whip off your pants and shoot a jetstream upwards to soften the snow. The heat from your urine will cause a scientific effect called melting. After that, just punch upwards with enough force so that your whole body levitates forwards. It may help to be chewing adrenaline extract while you do this. --- Im surprised they havent invented a saddle for dogs yet. Horses dont seem to mind when you saddle em up. In fact I think they enjoy being a part of the party. Dogs could easily carry small children. I could even envision a dog-powered courier service that would give Fedex a run for its money. --- I initially wrote Fedsex in the paragraph above. where is my mind at?!?!? Lol I know right. It may be because I am naked right now. Sitting on leather naked, I feel like noone planned for that. In fact I am almost always naked. The only time I am not naked is when I am clothed.

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