So I was at the strip club, by myself, during the day, for lunch. Stripper comes over to give me a lap dance, she says "Hi, my name is Wheybecca, but everyone calls me Whey." She was young, definitely not much older than 18. I said, I know why they call you Whey. Its cuz your a pro-teen*.
She didn't get it.
*JOKE SPOILER:
Whey is a type of protein.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Jokes you can use at a party
What do you get when you mix sperm and eggs?
A really creepy omelette.
Speaking of sperm, do you know what's my favorite type of whale?
The one that doesn't call you the next day.
A really creepy omelette.
Speaking of sperm, do you know what's my favorite type of whale?
The one that doesn't call you the next day.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
recent musings
A friend of mine recently went on a boating trip. He got really drunk and blacked out. His friends later told him that he decided to go whaling on his own. He was messing with the whale all night. Push n pull, push n pull. Noone knows exactly what happened after that, but he woke up in his bed, with all his close on, and the bedsheet unruffled. So we all figured he was fine. A few days later though, he confided to me that indeed, his foreskin appears to have been chewed straight off during the fracas of that evening.
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People love recycling! Paper, plastic, rubber, glass, just throw it all in the recycling bin. Don't forget to save those cans though- that's a hard-earned nickel right there. Recycling bins line the street these days! One thing people don't recycle though--and this bothers me--is condoms. Condoms are something that you not only should be recycling, but re-using. I mean, its not like we are some sort of cuttlefish who mates one time in our life and then dies! Lets be honest people, we all have loads of sex. So wash that condom out and re-use it. You'll save money and time, (and not to mention, embarassment, who want's to buy condoms from 7-11, it makes you blush! And blushing causes cancer.). If your bro needs to borrow one at 3am, just say "check the drying rack bro" or just peel it off your tip and hand it over. Condom's are one of natures great renewable resources and we need to start treating them like so.
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Speaking of condoms, if you are out at the bar and you meet a chick who's absolutely fine, a pure 10, marriage material, I'd love to put a baby in you, then heck, you're probably going to NOT wear a condom when you bang her. But for every other woman, you wear one. It's kind of like saying, honey, I know I told you I'm wearing this condom to prevent a baby from forming in you, but the real reason I'm doing this is because there's a non-zero chance you have AIDs.
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Sometimes you dont have a condom handy, I heard one guy used a plastic bag. Why not a paper bag, you ask? Well you gotta save that for her face...
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I think i would prefer an arrainged marriage. look at the pro's: you get a guaranteed virgin, prescreened by people you trust, and you have the final say. im not down for forced arrainged. Plus, she's probably dopeski, so yr like, im not even mad.
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People love recycling! Paper, plastic, rubber, glass, just throw it all in the recycling bin. Don't forget to save those cans though- that's a hard-earned nickel right there. Recycling bins line the street these days! One thing people don't recycle though--and this bothers me--is condoms. Condoms are something that you not only should be recycling, but re-using. I mean, its not like we are some sort of cuttlefish who mates one time in our life and then dies! Lets be honest people, we all have loads of sex. So wash that condom out and re-use it. You'll save money and time, (and not to mention, embarassment, who want's to buy condoms from 7-11, it makes you blush! And blushing causes cancer.). If your bro needs to borrow one at 3am, just say "check the drying rack bro" or just peel it off your tip and hand it over. Condom's are one of natures great renewable resources and we need to start treating them like so.
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Speaking of condoms, if you are out at the bar and you meet a chick who's absolutely fine, a pure 10, marriage material, I'd love to put a baby in you, then heck, you're probably going to NOT wear a condom when you bang her. But for every other woman, you wear one. It's kind of like saying, honey, I know I told you I'm wearing this condom to prevent a baby from forming in you, but the real reason I'm doing this is because there's a non-zero chance you have AIDs.
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Sometimes you dont have a condom handy, I heard one guy used a plastic bag. Why not a paper bag, you ask? Well you gotta save that for her face...
---
I think i would prefer an arrainged marriage. look at the pro's: you get a guaranteed virgin, prescreened by people you trust, and you have the final say. im not down for forced arrainged. Plus, she's probably dopeski, so yr like, im not even mad.
Taking this idea even further, imagine this. Hire some
illegals to manage a couple of your tinder /other online dating
accounts. have them basically chat up shorties all day using your pic,
if they get any bites you take a look and decide if you want to go on
the date.
^this service already exists actually, but i thot it
was pretty awesome for lazy rich ppl. imagine starting this biz...u'd
basically be hired to creepthought bitches all day..wud be a pretty chill
job.
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One nice thing about having a lack of a conscience is that it dictates that i should engage in activities that make me look like i have a superior conscience.
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I finally popped the question tonight! It's been burning in my mind for so long and it feels so great to get it off my mind. She said YES!*
*to pegging
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http://www.scmp.com/news/
I cant wait to hire a wet nurse once i win powerball
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Tuesday, August 20, 2013
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