-The other day I was picking my nose in the office. I had already gotten all of the surface crusties out, so now it was time to get the deeper diamonds. The deeper you go, the more well formed they are, so if you are sticking your finger in there without a decent bit of nail for your shovel then you are kind of out of luck my friend. Too big of a nail and you risk an awkward nosebleed. "Oh hey whats wrong?" "Danged change of seasons, always makes the nose bleed." But its mid summer. And my nails are really short, so to compensate I gotta stick the finger in extra deep and swirl it around to create some friction and force it out--all the while hopefully not forcing it deeper, in which case it will have to be sneezed out. If you use your index finger it might look to a passer by like you are merely scratching the nose. But at this point I am using my pinky finger to get deeper in there and get this bugger. And noone uses a pinky for scratching, that's just silly. So this nosy girl comes over to me and says Gross! What are you doing? I'm like dont worry about it. Did you know in Thailand this is considered a sign of cleanliness. Thats actually true. So now I guess I have to live the rest of my life by Thailand rules so I don't seem like a hypocrite.
-I recently realized the secret to why southern women are known as being so friendly and hospitable. All fat women are desperate for a man.
-I would talk to myself, its not that I am against this practice. Its just that I have nothing to say.
-The most common place that people use their Iphones is on the toilet. So when someone's like yo let me borrow your phone to check the weather, I'm like, ok, but FYI, I just gave myself a blumpkin using that.
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