Creep thoughts
1) Imagine if you brought a just-born baby into one of those house of mirrors? The baby would be all like, get me back in the womb already, at least there were fewer mirrors.
2) I would so have a sex change, but all that paperwork is very deterring.
3) One thing I will never understand about my neighbor Chuck is why he refuses to shave one side of his face. He tries to tell me that its not hair, but a large birthmark, but all I can do is shake my head.
4) Usually its sad to see an old man cry. Ha ha, usually.
5) Often times people ask me why I would want to work at a torture chamber. Usually I just tip them a wink and say: "For the employee discount."
6) NEVER fight a girl. Unless she's really weak and you're sure you can take her down.
7) My dad once had a huge, black mustache that had a little curl in the end of it. He loved it, but I hated it, and often told him so. One day, he woke up and looked in the mirror. It was gone! He came into my bed, lifted me by the collar, and threw me to the ground. He began to curse me, his face red, his spit wildly splattering all about in my room. I swore, nervously, that I did not shave it off, but he did not believe me and threatened to send me to an orphanage. Then my mother came in and showed my dad his pillow, where the facepaint had rubbed off during the night.
8) One statistic few people recognize is that rape babies tend to be 20% nicer.
9) Probably the best thing to do before a fight is to do alot of pushups. Then, when your abs are solid, eat a whole bowl of yogurt but don't swallow it. Go down to the street corner and meet the kid who wants to fight you. Without opening your mouth, motion for him to take the first punch. He will do so gleefully, and as soon as his fist hits your stomach spit out all the yogurt. Once it covers him, he won't know whether its phlegm or puke. While he's tasting it to find out, give him a rolling punch to the face and/or balls and then run away with a pleased grin on your face.
10) I don't mind it when people pick their nose. But I do mind when they are after a really big one and are grunting and snorting, their faces contorted. The prize is just out of their reach. They keep on digging, but their nostril size does not expand. By now they are obsessed. Soon enough it becomes their only objective in life. They try to stop, but just can't bring themselves to do it. "Just...a little bit...farther..." they wince. Soon they go mad and lose control of all body functions. They curl up into a ball and they fall to the floor and are soon carted off to a special medical facility. Man, those people really annoy me.
11) If I could make up a new word, it would have to be the word "phun". It would mean "excessive cruelty and malice" or something along those lines. Just picture its uses: "Hey Dad, can we go have some phun with mom?" John Boy asked Tom. Or: When the two men were finished having phun with each other, they fell down and died, slowly and painfully. The possibilities are endless.
12) When I invent a new society…something petty is definitely going to be outlawed.
13) If you're ever at a bachelor party and you wake up with a giant "Z" shaved into the top of your head, its probably best to give it about 6 months to a year to let it grow out, so that the next time you go to the barbershop they won’t be jealous of your new barber.
14) Its a little-known fact that all dentists have an uncommon obsession with their patient's feet. Once the patients are knocked out by the drugs, I take off their shoes and do what I please with their helpless toes.
15) If i was dying in the desert and all I had was an empty cup, i probably wouldn't piss in the cup and then drink my own pee. Rather, i would find some way to make it into grape Kool-Aid, because that stuff rules!
No comments:
Post a Comment