16) My girlfriend came in the house one day and just wouldn't stop yakking about her day. I had to tell her something real important, but she wouldn't shut up! Eventually, when she was finished with her tirade, she looked at me and saw that she had been talking to my severed head. But no, the things she had to say were sooo much more important. After that day, we broke up.
17) Probably the best way to solve the world's problems is by the use of sarcasm. Imagine it: At a UN conference, Russia declares war on North Korea in a very angry tone. But then everyone just starts laughing and slapping their knees and someone orders another round of beer.
18) Sometimes its sad, as you are walking down a city street late at night, when you see an aborted fetus, just lying there in the gutter. But then you pick it up and bring it home, because, as your mother always told you, "It's never good to let a good fetus go to waste, aborted or not".
19) When I was a young boy I ardently believed in Santa. I waited up all night for him to come, and even could have sworn that I heard him shimmying down my chimney on Christmas Eve. Then one year an older boy explained to me how it was all a trick by parents on their unsuspecting little children, and that Santa never existed. From that day forward I swore to never get tricked into believing in "magical men", so when I heard some guy shouting about some magical man named “Jeezus" on a street corner, I punched him in the stomach and told him to shuttup because I wasn't going to give in to his tomfoolery.
20) Remember that time, when you were a little kid, and you and your friends thought it would be 'cool' to try and get 'high' by sniffing some glue? And then you'd go looking through your dad's top dresser drawer because you couldn't find any glue in the kitchen. And then you'd stick your nose in an unmarked cup full of thick white fluid and deeply inhale. And then your dad would come up from behind you, and he'd tell you to never touch his "sea-man" collection that he had been saving ever since mom left him for a woman.
21) I think they should only use the death penalty on people who support the death penalty. That'd teach 'em!
22) One time my dad was walking past the bathroom door when he heard a faint, continuous buzzing sound coming from inside, coupled with a muffled "oooh, oh yeah....oh-oh-oh...yeaaaa..." of pleasure coming from a high pitched voice. "All right young lady, there will be none of that in this household!" my dad roared. He stormed into the bathroom. My sister turned off her electric toothbrush and looked at my father strangely. It was a real nice toothbrush, gave you a good, clean feeling after using it.
23) No dollar bill could equate the value I hold for the times that I spent together with you. Except for maybe that new, really shiny type of dollar.
24) The rap world has a few tough questions that are in bad need of an answer. First, does Dr. Dre really have a PhD? If so, should it be required as part of best practices that all future aspiring beatmakers have their PhD or else not be allowed to practice in sanctioned facilities?
25) Sometimes its fun to go into the street and play that game where you spit high into the air and then try and catch it in your mouth before it hits the ground. Except for when the big crazy Indian guy who lives across the street gets a thick lugie in his eye.
26) Maybe i shouldn't have swindled that poor old man out of all of his money in the card game. oh well, he won't care, he's probably busy watering his 'screaming plants', as he calls them, in his basement.
27) I always wondered how old ladies got their jollies off after their husbands became flaccid. Then the obvious answer came to me: gardening.
28) I told her that her laughter sounded like a choke, and I thought it was pretty. Then later on, when she was choking on a piece of broccoli, I got a boner.
29) Why do chickens give such great head? Beak-cuz I said so!!!!!
30) What if we let the craziest psychopaths in prison become the president, just for a day, just to see if they have any innovative ideas.
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