CREEP thoughts part 3

31) Its funny that the UN has had so many child sex scandals. I mean, who wants to have sex with a child when you can torture it?

32) One thing that useful about having a girlfriend and best friend with the same name, is that when you call out their name in bed, they never know who you mean.

33) I thought it was so rude that my local grocery store didn’t carry breast milk. The manager pointed me towards “some delicious almond milk” that I could try. What? Almond… milk? How the hell does that exist?

34) So one night your girlfriend says “hey lets act out a rape scene, this is just a fetish I have. When I struggle and say no you just ignore it.” Reluctantly you agree. While getting ready in the bathroom you accidentally go through a time loop back to a month before you met her. An hour later, after you clean up the blood, you see a calendar and its like, “ohhh shit”. Right?

35) When Hitler was young he went to art school. Now it feels like every art major wants to be such a revolutionary. What they don’t realize is the world needs more revolutionary accountants.

36) I bought a friend of mine this nice, hand-made raccoon-fur coat. She asked me “Is it real?” because she’s a vegan. I told her yes, but don’t worry, it died of natural causes. It was roadkill.

37) It must be hard for a pornstar to bring that first paycheck home to your parents. And your dad’s like “wow they really rape you with taxes these days.”

38) When you have two girlfriends, one of the hardest questions is “do I want to butter Lindsay’s muffin, or eat Sally’s roast beef that’s been kinda sitting around for a while and I don’t want it to get cold?”

39) I asked my trashman if he ever eats his wife’s pussy. He said, nah, that shit STINKS!

40) One way to increase recycling would be to instill a mandatory death penalty for anyone suspected of not recycling. I think they recently started doing that in Uganda. Or maybe that was for anyone suspected of being homosexual.

41) I wonder if a bro has ever said to an Inuit living in Anartica, “You’re too chill, bro” and fist bumped him.

42) My son once asked me if baby oil was oil made from ground up babies. I laughed and told him of course not. I hoped to god that I was right.
43) One time, my son asked me, “dad, does anal sex hurt?” I told him, I don’t know, ask your mother.
44) I’ve been reading a lot of inspirational books lately to help turn my life around. One of the main things I am learning is “Never give up – If at first you don’t succeed try try again!” Sigh. So how to I deal with the hordes of beautiful women that won’t stop calling me? What page is that on, Advice book?
45) What’s the #1 food choice of people with a mullet? You may be surprised to learn it is Lucky Charms.