Flow

One great idea I have is for bulletproof designer hats. Now they don't actually have to keep you alive after a bullet, but just have to give you enough confidence to roll thru the hood guns blazin
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One of the most strange realities for a new homeless female crack addict is that most of the other male crack addicts cum is black.  So just fyi if your panties are looking like they just went thru an oil spill.

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The other day I was in the middle of the city and everyone was crowded around some sort of street performer.  There was music, laughter and a generally carousing atmosphere so I decided to check it out.  Then I realized that everyone was looking at a terrorist, like one of those guys with a suicide bomb attached to his shirt.  I felt pretty honored to meet such a celebrity.

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I was speaking to a foreigner who was just beginning to learn the English language.  They knew the word cunt, but what I told them that might surprise you is that this word was actually invented by Jesus.

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Serious question for pedophiles- if you have a choice to bang Jessica Alba or some hella ugly child who would you choose?

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I like to pee into the short stall because I have a really long dick.

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Forget Google Glass, what I want to invent is like more of an eyepatch.  Then in the future piratism will become vogue again and I can get to eat limes all day like all the cool guys do.

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If southern people are so racist, why did they invent slavery?  

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If you are a high school girl trying to score alcohol, quit trying to get creepy old men to buy for you.  Just grow yourself a moustache.  You will be able to avoid a lot of scarring blumpkin experiences with sweaty old men like myself.

I wonder if anyone has ever tried panda veal? I bet its dec. -- Sometimes at work I like to find an empty cubicle and go in and jeroff with iphone porn. The cleanup? I usually just use one of my socks. My dick stays hella soft from all the business sock exposure. -- Know what's worse than elevator music? Anything by 2chainz. Does that mean, in the future...elevators will feature 2chainz?? Dear god... --

H-

Know what would be a good halloween costume. Dress up in military outfit and when someone asks you sarcastically "So uhh, what are you supposed to be for halloween" ? You tell them "I'm a ghost". And then it gets real sad around here. --- I heard that sandusky liked to eat little kids poop. But he didnt like their normal poop taste so he made them eat extra cheese so it would taste better. people be putting cheese on everything nowadays. --- If you told me 10 years ago, would you rather be normal or do heroin and live in the sewer? I'd have told you clearly I'll just be chillin normal. But in the moment, heroin in the sewer feels pretty dank bro. --- Mormons get to have hella wives, that much is true. But is it worth it if all your wives are beat.. my dude? Even if I'm having a 3-some with 2 5's that don't mean they add up to a 10, alls I'm saying -- I wonder what the origin of the word cunt is. If anyone has access to the oxford english dictionary please hook a bro up --- The main thing that keeps me away from eating human meat is that they don't have it in snack food form yet. --- Do women really have orgies with ripped black guys at their bachelorette parties? OR is that strictly just the pornos I've been watching lately? --- One thing about golfing is that when you kill an endangered species by accident, you can't just run away, you have to play the rest of the course out. Gotta get your strokes in.

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If I were a stand up comedian, my opening bit would be something like this: Have you guys ever peed? For me its like one of the hardest things. For the life of me I can control that stuff, it just goes everywhere. Either that or it just leaks randomly and slides down my legs. Someone once told me maybe its because I'm usually drunk. But the worst is after you have sex. I remember when I was a teenager, my dick grew out to its full size, and I was finally starting to get the hang of this thing. Then sex started. Damn dude, after sex that shit is so far outta whack you think its never coming back. My dick usually feels like its inside out, which sometimes really happens if you put the condom on too tight. Also, never put a condom on when soft, and then think you're gonna harden up and fill it up just right. Nah, that never works. Specially if its muggy out. Going raw, once in a while you can escape and the pee afterwards aint bad. Unless its anal, cuz there a good chance you might have a chunk of corn caught in your dickhole or something. That aint right. Whenever I do anal I feel really bad for the pussy. Its just chillin there, feelin betrayed. "Why dont you want to visit me?" And I really have no good reason why I'm not visiting you, bro. I can't think of one legitimate reason. Its times like these where I wish I had two dicks. I always wanna pull out and go back to the pussy. But my girlfriend is like, hell no we can't risk the germs. So thats usually what I do when I visit hookers. Yeah, my girlfriend doesnt know about that. Cuz I do it during work hours. My boss doesnt know either. He thinks I take a long poo every morning at 10:30am. He doesnt know I'm in the alley with a variety of women, right next to the pregnant street dogs. You know, the best hookers act like they dont want money at the end. Like, pay me when you get a chance. IF you dont do that, I think hooking really isnt the trade for you. Customer service should be a higher priority.

-Tupac was famous for the quote "Ride or Die". What most people don't know was that he was talking about his side hobby. He was an equestrian at heart, and quite talented, but sadly he was taken from our community too soon. -One big turn off for me is a woman who smokes cigarettes. Unless she is really, really hot. Then its really not a big deal. Heck, if she was really, really hot. I'd even let her qweef on me. -Today I saw a woman who had breasts so large and fat they were literally the size of two watermelons. Her ankles were rather small though. I think modern architecture could learn a lot by studying the bodies of obese American women.

I walked up to a shoe shiner guy today with my brand new suit on. I sat in his chair but he gave me a look like he was constipated. I have nothing for you bro, he said. Was this racism? I thought. This was the first example of someone being racist to someone else for the simple crime of being born too chill. I told him, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade son. Theres a big tip in this job for you if you do a good job. He shined my entire foot up. I was wearing flip flops, and wanted to have a nice sleek look. Then I went to Dunkin Donuts and just sat down without buying anything. I just stared at anyone that came in until they left. --- An old man that I work with at the office came up to me and whispered in my ear. This is my last day here son. I quickly realized he was one of those "end of days" evangelists and this was the 21st day of a month. Stop preaching your psycho nonsense bro. I told him that. --- Have you ever been buried alive in an avalanche? The trick to getting out is to drink a whole lot of water beforehand. Beer works too. A whole lot. Then once you are covered in snow, whip off your pants and shoot a jetstream upwards to soften the snow. The heat from your urine will cause a scientific effect called melting. After that, just punch upwards with enough force so that your whole body levitates forwards. It may help to be chewing adrenaline extract while you do this. --- Im surprised they havent invented a saddle for dogs yet. Horses dont seem to mind when you saddle em up. In fact I think they enjoy being a part of the party. Dogs could easily carry small children. I could even envision a dog-powered courier service that would give Fedex a run for its money. --- I initially wrote Fedsex in the paragraph above. where is my mind at?!?!? Lol I know right. It may be because I am naked right now. Sitting on leather naked, I feel like noone planned for that. In fact I am almost always naked. The only time I am not naked is when I am clothed.

We love our pets

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Can I borrow some sugar

I walked over to the dude who lives in the neighboring condo next door. I needed some sugar for my broccoli. I had just freshly steamed the brocolli when I stupidly realized I am out of sugar. what an idiot!! Right? Anyways I ring his doorbell and he comes out and hes got his big ol dong hanging out. I cover my eyes and Im like "man what were you just masturbating just now? why not simply pretend you were not home???"

No silly, he responds. I wasn't masturbating, I was Virtually Masturbating. This isn't my dick, but rather a strap-on with USB connection.

I uncovered my eyes and he was right. He didnt even have a boner.

I"m playing this new video game called "Beat the meat". ITs kind of like the Rock Band of virtual masturbation games. You basically try to rub the dick of a virtual character really well and rack up points if you do a good job. This boss that I am jerking right now is one tough cookie.

"Wow" I said, speechless.

Yeah, he replied. In the future, you know, I bet they will build an interface that allows you to use your own dick in this game, not a strap on. That would be amazing--it would make real life masturbation fun again, something I never dreamed possible just a few short years ago.

By the way, I have that sugar you want. Man I could smell that brocolli cooking a mile away. That stuff stanks!

Skit ideas

A small town strip mall. There is a law firm called "Cumming and Johnson, LLP".

The next week, "Skeeting and Skeeting, LLP" moves in next door.

The next week, "Jizzings and Jizzings LLP" moves in next door.

A large crowd of people gather on the street, all looking confused?

The next week, "Jerkoffs and Blumpkins LLP" appears.

Now the mayor is furious. He's receiving loads of calls about these lewd new law firms popping up in the town.

He calls one of the law firms. They send over one of their girls to negotiate. Let's settle this in the bathroom. Sounds of someone getting BJ while taking a poop are heard.

Narrator: And thus, children, today we learn the importance of blumpkins to any good competitive business strategy.


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Wheelchair guy and his old grandma stuck in a T station and the elevator is broke. His chair is too wide to fit on the escalator. One of the T workers has to carry him up the stairs. The guy nestles cutely in his arms. Once they get to the top floor, the guy gets out of the arms, yawns and stretches casually. Then he walks out of the T station without a word.


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FUNIT APP 2012

1. NAme________________________________

2. Zodiac Sign________________________________

3. Shoe Size________________________________

4. Favorite character on full house________________________________

5. Chug a glass of phlegm or throwup________________________________

6. Eye color________________________________

7. Nun chucks or brass knuckles________________________________

8. Tight wet P or loose n dry________________________________

9. Hennessy or gray goose________________________________

10. Smoke weed e'y day or Snitches get stiches________________________________

11. 69 a fat girl or get bj from ugly girl with herp________________________________

12. Name ur most special talent________________________________

13. Name the most strangest place u beat it________________________________

14. Who wud u bang? But we force ur mom to see a film of it after:
________________________________________________________________
15. True or false: "Ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to trannies."
________________________________
16. How many fingers________________________________
17. Whats the ghettoes hood u ever ben to________________________________
18. whats the sqaure root of pi________________________________
19. whats a rusty blumpkin?________________________________________________________________
20. Whats the funit password________________________________

White ppl problemz

Some woman at the office was showing the CEO her new ipad.

"I bet your kids would love something like this," she told the CEO. I dont have any kids, said the 40 year old CEO. "Oh Im so sorry. I didn't know your kids were dead".

The CEO: My kids arent dead. I dont have any time for family.

So we all decided we were going to help the CEO find a family. We went to the local club down the street. There were a bunch of orphans dancing to disco-tech. I elbowed the CEO and shifted my eyes from her eyes to the kids'. "dont be shy" I said. "they wont bite!"

But she started blushing. One woman said hey kids, would you like a mom? shes a CEO. She cant give you milk though. One of the kids ran over and started to bite her on the leg.

Back at the office, the CEO told us, well, you guys are pretty much like my family. I was pretty busy jerking off in the womens bathroom during this time, so dont trust this part of the story-- I only heard it second hand.