I walked over to the dude who lives in the neighboring condo next door. I needed some sugar for my broccoli. I had just freshly steamed the brocolli when I stupidly realized I am out of sugar. what an idiot!! Right? Anyways I ring his doorbell and he comes out and hes got his big ol dong hanging out. I cover my eyes and Im like "man what were you just masturbating just now? why not simply pretend you were not home???"
No silly, he responds. I wasn't masturbating, I was Virtually Masturbating. This isn't my dick, but rather a strap-on with USB connection.
I uncovered my eyes and he was right. He didnt even have a boner.
I"m playing this new video game called "Beat the meat". ITs kind of like the Rock Band of virtual masturbation games. You basically try to rub the dick of a virtual character really well and rack up points if you do a good job. This boss that I am jerking right now is one tough cookie.
"Wow" I said, speechless.
Yeah, he replied. In the future, you know, I bet they will build an interface that allows you to use your own dick in this game, not a strap on. That would be amazing--it would make real life masturbation fun again, something I never dreamed possible just a few short years ago.
By the way, I have that sugar you want. Man I could smell that brocolli cooking a mile away. That stuff stanks!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Skit ideas
A small town strip mall. There is a law firm called "Cumming and Johnson, LLP".
The next week, "Skeeting and Skeeting, LLP" moves in next door.
The next week, "Jizzings and Jizzings LLP" moves in next door.
A large crowd of people gather on the street, all looking confused?
The next week, "Jerkoffs and Blumpkins LLP" appears.
Now the mayor is furious. He's receiving loads of calls about these lewd new law firms popping up in the town.
He calls one of the law firms. They send over one of their girls to negotiate. Let's settle this in the bathroom. Sounds of someone getting BJ while taking a poop are heard.
Narrator: And thus, children, today we learn the importance of blumpkins to any good competitive business strategy.
-----
Wheelchair guy and his old grandma stuck in a T station and the elevator is broke. His chair is too wide to fit on the escalator. One of the T workers has to carry him up the stairs. The guy nestles cutely in his arms. Once they get to the top floor, the guy gets out of the arms, yawns and stretches casually. Then he walks out of the T station without a word.
---
The next week, "Skeeting and Skeeting, LLP" moves in next door.
The next week, "Jizzings and Jizzings LLP" moves in next door.
A large crowd of people gather on the street, all looking confused?
The next week, "Jerkoffs and Blumpkins LLP" appears.
Now the mayor is furious. He's receiving loads of calls about these lewd new law firms popping up in the town.
He calls one of the law firms. They send over one of their girls to negotiate. Let's settle this in the bathroom. Sounds of someone getting BJ while taking a poop are heard.
Narrator: And thus, children, today we learn the importance of blumpkins to any good competitive business strategy.
-----
Wheelchair guy and his old grandma stuck in a T station and the elevator is broke. His chair is too wide to fit on the escalator. One of the T workers has to carry him up the stairs. The guy nestles cutely in his arms. Once they get to the top floor, the guy gets out of the arms, yawns and stretches casually. Then he walks out of the T station without a word.
---
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
FUNIT APP 2012
1. NAme________________________________
2. Zodiac Sign________________________________
3. Shoe Size________________________________
4. Favorite character on full house________________________________
5. Chug a glass of phlegm or throwup________________________________
6. Eye color________________________________
7. Nun chucks or brass knuckles________________________________
8. Tight wet P or loose n dry________________________________
9. Hennessy or gray goose________________________________
10. Smoke weed e'y day or Snitches get stiches________________________________
11. 69 a fat girl or get bj from ugly girl with herp________________________________
12. Name ur most special talent________________________________
13. Name the most strangest place u beat it________________________________
14. Who wud u bang? But we force ur mom to see a film of it after:
________________________________________________________________
15. True or false: "Ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to trannies."
________________________________
16. How many fingers________________________________
17. Whats the ghettoes hood u ever ben to________________________________
18. whats the sqaure root of pi________________________________
19. whats a rusty blumpkin?________________________________________________________________
20. Whats the funit password________________________________
2. Zodiac Sign________________________________
3. Shoe Size________________________________
4. Favorite character on full house________________________________
5. Chug a glass of phlegm or throwup________________________________
6. Eye color________________________________
7. Nun chucks or brass knuckles________________________________
8. Tight wet P or loose n dry________________________________
9. Hennessy or gray goose________________________________
10. Smoke weed e'y day or Snitches get stiches________________________________
11. 69 a fat girl or get bj from ugly girl with herp________________________________
12. Name ur most special talent________________________________
13. Name the most strangest place u beat it________________________________
14. Who wud u bang? But we force ur mom to see a film of it after:
________________________________________________________________
15. True or false: "Ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to trannies."
________________________________
16. How many fingers________________________________
17. Whats the ghettoes hood u ever ben to________________________________
18. whats the sqaure root of pi________________________________
19. whats a rusty blumpkin?________________________________________________________________
20. Whats the funit password________________________________
White ppl problemz
Some woman at the office was showing the CEO her new ipad.
"I bet your kids would love something like this," she told the CEO. I dont have any kids, said the 40 year old CEO. "Oh Im so sorry. I didn't know your kids were dead".
The CEO: My kids arent dead. I dont have any time for family.
So we all decided we were going to help the CEO find a family. We went to the local club down the street. There were a bunch of orphans dancing to disco-tech. I elbowed the CEO and shifted my eyes from her eyes to the kids'. "dont be shy" I said. "they wont bite!"
But she started blushing. One woman said hey kids, would you like a mom? shes a CEO. She cant give you milk though. One of the kids ran over and started to bite her on the leg.
Back at the office, the CEO told us, well, you guys are pretty much like my family. I was pretty busy jerking off in the womens bathroom during this time, so dont trust this part of the story-- I only heard it second hand.
"I bet your kids would love something like this," she told the CEO. I dont have any kids, said the 40 year old CEO. "Oh Im so sorry. I didn't know your kids were dead".
The CEO: My kids arent dead. I dont have any time for family.
So we all decided we were going to help the CEO find a family. We went to the local club down the street. There were a bunch of orphans dancing to disco-tech. I elbowed the CEO and shifted my eyes from her eyes to the kids'. "dont be shy" I said. "they wont bite!"
But she started blushing. One woman said hey kids, would you like a mom? shes a CEO. She cant give you milk though. One of the kids ran over and started to bite her on the leg.
Back at the office, the CEO told us, well, you guys are pretty much like my family. I was pretty busy jerking off in the womens bathroom during this time, so dont trust this part of the story-- I only heard it second hand.
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