Poems

yo, my flow's feces easily depleted ya species, i get sex from ya girl, then I let her lick my reeces'

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If I was ever stuck in jail in Iran, I think the thing I would regret most is not playing more fantasy baseball.

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My ear feels eerie right now. (I bet that is the first time anyone has ever used that pun.)

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I hate tight jeans, but only cuz I have a huge dick. If not for that, I may wear them.

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People always tell me to "listen to my heart." But I bet if my heart could really talk, what he'd probably say is "GIVE ME BLOOD".

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People tell me I look like I am in the best shape of my life. I used to be obese due to a KFC addiction. What's my secret? A wise man once told me, to solve my problem, I should go to India. I went there, and stayed there, and soon was running short on money. Long story short, I got a tapeworm, and it really helped me shed the pounds.

.

http://i.imgur.com/JhynY.jpg

g talk

Also this

Crepe

http://i.imgur.com/VgPAD.jpg

This ^

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You ever realize that obese people love those bluetooth earphone deals? They are like the #1 purchaser of that product worldwide. It makes sense, because most of them are too fat to reach their pockets.

Rap

When you'r listening to a rap song, sometimes they describe a really sexy sex scene. Its like she let me in all the holes, she brought her friends over, we did it upside down etc etc. And you the listener just assume that this guy is talking about a real event with hot girls. But thats an incorrect assumption. The guy could have easily been talking about an experience with trannies or even worse--fatties. Then its not so sexy now, huh?

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When you are at a funeral and you have a lot of snot that you need to blow out, the only polite thing to do is blow it into your hand. Then a minute later pretend like you're putting something in your back pocket. Don't worry. It will dry in no time.

(O)O)O)O)

Compassionate Conservatism

Funny video: Coal Energy Drink

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhIayUh4JpY

Sad Kid

Cleanliness

-The other day I was picking my nose in the office.  I had already gotten all of the surface crusties out, so now it was time to get the deeper diamonds.  The deeper you go, the more well formed they are, so if you are sticking your finger in there without a decent bit of nail for your shovel then you are kind of out of luck my friend.  Too big of a nail and you risk an awkward nosebleed.  "Oh hey whats wrong?"  "Danged change of seasons, always makes the nose bleed."  But its mid summer.  And my nails are really short, so to compensate I gotta stick the finger in extra deep and swirl it around to create some friction and force it out--all the while hopefully not forcing it deeper, in which case it will have to be sneezed out.  If you use your index finger it might look to a passer by like you are merely scratching the nose.  But at this point I am using my pinky finger to get deeper in there and get this bugger.  And noone uses a pinky for scratching, that's just silly.  So this nosy girl comes over to me and says Gross!  What are you doing?  I'm like dont worry about it.  Did you know in Thailand this is considered a sign of cleanliness.  Thats actually true.  So now I guess I have to live the rest of my life by Thailand rules so I don't seem like a hypocrite.

-I recently realized the secret to why southern women are known as being so friendly and hospitable.  All fat women are desperate for a man.

-I would talk to myself, its not that I am against this practice.  Its just that I have nothing to say.

-The most common place that people use their Iphones is on the toilet.  So when someone's like yo let me borrow your phone to check the weather, I'm like, ok, but FYI, I just gave myself a blumpkin using that.
 

Business ideas

One thing that has recently been brought to my attention.  Is pointy shoes.  You ever see someone with really pointy shoes.  Its like hold up, is that a witch?  Nah thats just a CEO or some shit.  I think, once you get promoted to upper management, they are like right this way sir or madam, and bring you to buy shit like this

So if you're looking for a way to quickly get a leg up in the business world, give pointy shoes a try.

Heh

OIIIIII

Cool story bro....

A crowded cemetary facing west.  Rows of worshipers encircle the tomb thereafter.  Red and yellow hay in the sky.  Each night the ground becomes damp as the sky dries.  His listful words drifted and glistened on the edge of the door.

"Forget eternity.  Passivity is perfect, and longevity awakens the soul.  Orange peels scintillate our bare feet, transporting the spirit to new levels of gratitude."

Winding up the clock, listening to each tick.  Flick the leaf falling skyward.  Empty letters leered behind dark corners, cementing your skull with your eyes half buried.  Conditioned from a young age.  Disaster strikes those who wait for it.  His body was fully extended, muscles in the lower thigh activated and pulsating.  Baggy clothes hide the definition and meaning.  Wandering, flowing, extracting ethical boundaries in an attempt to allocate a hypothesis for future study.  When the mind follows a path of logic, every argument that follows might be false even though inherently valid.

Romance is the source of much confusion.  Contusion of emotion is inevitable.  Emotion is the incentive for your brain to do work.  Everything in life requires an incentive to operate.

"What is the incentive for men to do bad things?  The question is silly, there are many obvious answers.  What is the incentive for men to do curious things?  That is something I hope to quantify."

Unparalleled dementia and withering consciousness are some of the greatest fears for someone who is alive.  But what does one fear when one is dead or living dead?  Does fear exist, some would say not.  Imagine if the opposite were true.  Post life is a state of constant fear, blinding.  Fear experienced during life is a sneak preview for what awaits post life.  When a soul has no body, is the soul freed or permanently trapped in nothingness?  If one could chose nothingness or somethingness, which would the rational mind choose?

Creepin thru ya hood

-What's under neath a skirt?  Like really.  I'm not sure whats under there.  I'm dying to know the answer.  Literally its all I can think about.

-I bet if aliens ever came to Earth, the thing they'd find the most disgusting would be old people.

-What happens if in the future, they create a cure for aging?  It will be considered a crime to become pregnant, and masturbation will be finally allowed in public.

-If you get really fat and get one of those big ol' Santa Claus bellies, I think that's pretty chill.

YO

Read this when ur stoned

Doesnt it say something that the main part of the word execute is cute?

Men and women think differently

Mindful Musings

-Where is the best place to masturbate? Many have asked. Some think its in the bathroom. Others will contend that its in the park. The correct answer is in a clean pair of business socks.

-You know how they recently discovered some lost books of the bible in a cave in Jordan? I bet one of the new commandments is "pussy has no face".

-The other day I was reading my friends "bucket list". One of the things was: Figure out way to have sex while cleaning ears to achieve ultimate orgasm.

-You know that rap song "back that ass up". Imagine if that guy was a back guy, not an ass guy. "Back that back up" would've been a cult classic.

-The actual reason why people go insane is because they forgot to masturbate that week. Once you go a full week, I think, that's the point of no return. You've shunned logic at its most basic core and now anything goes.  I personally have never gone more than 3 days, but just the taste of that third day scared me stiff.  I think this is one of the reasons why I am so calm and able to think so deeply and rationally.

-At parties, I sometimes like to tell people that my mom was an artist. I tell other people that she worked for the CIA. I wasn't lying either! My mom was a torture artist.

Question?

How could anyone ever eat vanilla cake, especially when you consider that such at thing as CHOCOLATE cake exists?

I always trusted my friends a bit less when I was a kid if they ordered vanilla cake for their birthday. Your mom let you have any cake you want buddy, quit screwing up your life.

How does this exist?

Building Your Cult

Gave me a good ol' lol

You don't see too many books these days that actually are about what the title says. As rare as candy bars whose name is close to its actual ingredients. (Spoiler: there's neither butter nor fingers in butterfingers, according to a CreepThoughts exclusive report.)

What is a butter finger?

I never have tried one of these before, so I got one today to see exactly what is a butter finger? Well it tasted like snail dick.

I still don't know what a butter finger is. It got me thinking, what if they called this candy what it truly is--what if they named it after its ingredients.

They would call this the "Hydrogenated oily Corn Syrup bar with a hint of peanut and dash of citric acid and fake colors..."

Creep Thought of the day

The first time I visited the hood, some one came up to me and asked "Hey, what's up?" And I said, "The sky." Because really nothing is up above that.

CREEP thoughts part 3

31) Its funny that the UN has had so many child sex scandals. I mean, who wants to have sex with a child when you can torture it?

32) One thing that useful about having a girlfriend and best friend with the same name, is that when you call out their name in bed, they never know who you mean.

33) I thought it was so rude that my local grocery store didn’t carry breast milk. The manager pointed me towards “some delicious almond milk” that I could try. What? Almond… milk? How the hell does that exist?

34) So one night your girlfriend says “hey lets act out a rape scene, this is just a fetish I have. When I struggle and say no you just ignore it.” Reluctantly you agree. While getting ready in the bathroom you accidentally go through a time loop back to a month before you met her. An hour later, after you clean up the blood, you see a calendar and its like, “ohhh shit”. Right?

35) When Hitler was young he went to art school. Now it feels like every art major wants to be such a revolutionary. What they don’t realize is the world needs more revolutionary accountants.

36) I bought a friend of mine this nice, hand-made raccoon-fur coat. She asked me “Is it real?” because she’s a vegan. I told her yes, but don’t worry, it died of natural causes. It was roadkill.

37) It must be hard for a pornstar to bring that first paycheck home to your parents. And your dad’s like “wow they really rape you with taxes these days.”

38) When you have two girlfriends, one of the hardest questions is “do I want to butter Lindsay’s muffin, or eat Sally’s roast beef that’s been kinda sitting around for a while and I don’t want it to get cold?”

39) I asked my trashman if he ever eats his wife’s pussy. He said, nah, that shit STINKS!

40) One way to increase recycling would be to instill a mandatory death penalty for anyone suspected of not recycling. I think they recently started doing that in Uganda. Or maybe that was for anyone suspected of being homosexual.

41) I wonder if a bro has ever said to an Inuit living in Anartica, “You’re too chill, bro” and fist bumped him.

42) My son once asked me if baby oil was oil made from ground up babies. I laughed and told him of course not. I hoped to god that I was right.
43) One time, my son asked me, “dad, does anal sex hurt?” I told him, I don’t know, ask your mother.
44) I’ve been reading a lot of inspirational books lately to help turn my life around. One of the main things I am learning is “Never give up – If at first you don’t succeed try try again!” Sigh. So how to I deal with the hordes of beautiful women that won’t stop calling me? What page is that on, Advice book?
45) What’s the #1 food choice of people with a mullet? You may be surprised to learn it is Lucky Charms.

Creep thoughts part 2 (these are the original ones by the way)

16) My girlfriend came in the house one day and just wouldn't stop yakking about her day. I had to tell her something real important, but she wouldn't shut up! Eventually, when she was finished with her tirade, she looked at me and saw that she had been talking to my severed head. But no, the things she had to say were sooo much more important. After that day, we broke up.


17) Probably the best way to solve the world's problems is by the use of sarcasm. Imagine it: At a UN conference, Russia declares war on North Korea in a very angry tone. But then everyone just starts laughing and slapping their knees and someone orders another round of beer.
18) Sometimes its sad, as you are walking down a city street late at night, when you see an aborted fetus, just lying there in the gutter. But then you pick it up and bring it home, because, as your mother always told you, "It's never good to let a good fetus go to waste, aborted or not".


19) When I was a young boy I ardently believed in Santa. I waited up all night for him to come, and even could have sworn that I heard him shimmying down my chimney on Christmas Eve. Then one year an older boy explained to me how it was all a trick by parents on their unsuspecting little children, and that Santa never existed. From that day forward I swore to never get tricked into believing in "magical men", so when I heard some guy shouting about some magical man named “Jeezus" on a street corner, I punched him in the stomach and told him to shuttup because I wasn't going to give in to his tomfoolery.

20) Remember that time, when you were a little kid, and you and your friends thought it would be 'cool' to try and get 'high' by sniffing some glue? And then you'd go looking through your dad's top dresser drawer because you couldn't find any glue in the kitchen. And then you'd stick your nose in an unmarked cup full of thick white fluid and deeply inhale. And then your dad would come up from behind you, and he'd tell you to never touch his "sea-man" collection that he had been saving ever since mom left him for a woman.

21) I think they should only use the death penalty on people who support the death penalty. That'd teach 'em!

22) One time my dad was walking past the bathroom door when he heard a faint, continuous buzzing sound coming from inside, coupled with a muffled "oooh, oh yeah....oh-oh-oh...yeaaaa..." of pleasure coming from a high pitched voice. "All right young lady, there will be none of that in this household!" my dad roared. He stormed into the bathroom. My sister turned off her electric toothbrush and looked at my father strangely. It was a real nice toothbrush, gave you a good, clean feeling after using it.

23) No dollar bill could equate the value I hold for the times that I spent together with you. Except for maybe that new, really shiny type of dollar.


24) The rap world has a few tough questions that are in bad need of an answer. First, does Dr. Dre really have a PhD? If so, should it be required as part of best practices that all future aspiring beatmakers have their PhD or else not be allowed to practice in sanctioned facilities?

25) Sometimes its fun to go into the street and play that game where you spit high into the air and then try and catch it in your mouth before it hits the ground. Except for when the big crazy Indian guy who lives across the street gets a thick lugie in his eye.


26) Maybe i shouldn't have swindled that poor old man out of all of his money in the card game. oh well, he won't care, he's probably busy watering his 'screaming plants', as he calls them, in his basement.

27) I always wondered how old ladies got their jollies off after their husbands became flaccid. Then the obvious answer came to me: gardening.

28) I told her that her laughter sounded like a choke, and I thought it was pretty. Then later on, when she was choking on a piece of broccoli, I got a boner.

29) Why do chickens give such great head? Beak-cuz I said so!!!!!

30) What if we let the craziest psychopaths in prison become the president, just for a day, just to see if they have any innovative ideas.

Creep Thoughts, part 1

Creep thoughts

1) Imagine if you brought a just-born baby into one of those house of mirrors? The baby would be all like, get me back in the womb already, at least there were fewer mirrors.

2) I would so have a sex change, but all that paperwork is very deterring.

3) One thing I will never understand about my neighbor Chuck is why he refuses to shave one side of his face. He tries to tell me that its not hair, but a large birthmark, but all I can do is shake my head.

4) Usually its sad to see an old man cry. Ha ha, usually.

5) Often times people ask me why I would want to work at a torture chamber. Usually I just tip them a wink and say: "For the employee discount."

6) NEVER fight a girl. Unless she's really weak and you're sure you can take her down.

7) My dad once had a huge, black mustache that had a little curl in the end of it. He loved it, but I hated it, and often told him so. One day, he woke up and looked in the mirror. It was gone! He came into my bed, lifted me by the collar, and threw me to the ground. He began to curse me, his face red, his spit wildly splattering all about in my room. I swore, nervously, that I did not shave it off, but he did not believe me and threatened to send me to an orphanage. Then my mother came in and showed my dad his pillow, where the facepaint had rubbed off during the night.

8) One statistic few people recognize is that rape babies tend to be 20% nicer.

9) Probably the best thing to do before a fight is to do alot of pushups. Then, when your abs are solid, eat a whole bowl of yogurt but don't swallow it. Go down to the street corner and meet the kid who wants to fight you. Without opening your mouth, motion for him to take the first punch. He will do so gleefully, and as soon as his fist hits your stomach spit out all the yogurt. Once it covers him, he won't know whether its phlegm or puke. While he's tasting it to find out, give him a rolling punch to the face and/or balls and then run away with a pleased grin on your face.
10) I don't mind it when people pick their nose. But I do mind when they are after a really big one and are grunting and snorting, their faces contorted. The prize is just out of their reach. They keep on digging, but their nostril size does not expand. By now they are obsessed. Soon enough it becomes their only objective in life. They try to stop, but just can't bring themselves to do it. "Just...a little bit...farther..." they wince. Soon they go mad and lose control of all body functions. They curl up into a ball and they fall to the floor and are soon carted off to a special medical facility. Man, those people really annoy me.

11) If I could make up a new word, it would have to be the word "phun". It would mean "excessive cruelty and malice" or something along those lines. Just picture its uses: "Hey Dad, can we go have some phun with mom?" John Boy asked Tom. Or: When the two men were finished having phun with each other, they fell down and died, slowly and painfully. The possibilities are endless.

12) When I invent a new society…something petty is definitely going to be outlawed.

13) If you're ever at a bachelor party and you wake up with a giant "Z" shaved into the top of your head, its probably best to give it about 6 months to a year to let it grow out, so that the next time you go to the barbershop they won’t be jealous of your new barber.

14) Its a little-known fact that all dentists have an uncommon obsession with their patient's feet. Once the patients are knocked out by the drugs, I take off their shoes and do what I please with their helpless toes.

15) If i was dying in the desert and all I had was an empty cup, i probably wouldn't piss in the cup and then drink my own pee. Rather, i would find some way to make it into grape Kool-Aid, because that stuff rules!

Who would read this? oh.. ok..

Tim Lince-weed?

Yum

From my personal library

Yes!

Ok!

WoW!